day of surgery

I've waited a long time for this....and I must admit I'm scared. I'm so freaked out, and there's so much running through my head...that almost none of this seems real. it doesn't feel like I'm actually having surgery, or that I have a tumor, or that I could possibly have cancer. its just not happening...it can't. not to me. this happens to other people...but not me.

we drive to matt's house and pick him. just having him in the car is a huge relief. he's the man, and he keeps me safe. I know if the doctors do something wrong...matt will be the first one to kick their butts. I feel better knowing he's coming...and that he's there for this all.

on the way to the hospital my friend nik calls...and we pray. I cry a little...and feel much better. God helps more then you could ever imagine. I'm still scared....still nervous but I trust Him.

pulling up to the hospital is nerve wrecking. it looks so much bigger now then it did before. maybe its because bigger things are happening and my mind is just playing tricks on me. tricky mind! lets work together today please!

as we walk in I see ed. my dear friend ed. he's been the pastor for the high schoolers for as long as I can remember, and he's by far a huge part of my life. some of ed's messages have been home hitting, life changing, and heart breaking. ed is truly a man of God and its good to know I've got him here today for that.

we check in. they give me a pager like the ones you get at outback. apparently when its time to cut me open it'll flash pretty lights and buzz. how cute. maybe its suppose to make you feel better about surgery. or maybe they'll give me the brown bread I like so much from outback.

as we wait for this little guy to send me back to pre-op...many people start to show up. miss melinda...kim and rob....mark and jodi, my other mom and dad. they're all here for me. we pray, laugh, and wait.

you know what I just noticed about my pager? It says "comfort call" on it....that's kind of ironic.

I was suppose to be in pre-op by 11. surgery was suppose to start at noon.

so you can imagine how tired I am when its 3 pm and still haven't been sent back to pre-op. do these people realize how nervous I am? making me wait like this is not nice.

4:30. and the thing finally buzzes. now I'm scared. more then before. everyone hugs me, says prayers with me...more praying and hugging. I'm noticing that this is a recurring theme today. you hug you pray you cry. over and over. at least this is going to be done soon.

6:30. I'm still in pre-op. by now I've pee'd in a cup...changed into my surgery gown...we've done the hug pray cry routine more times then I can count. a few hours ago they were trying to get an IV in me but because I have had no water (they give you a time to stop eating and drinking...I never was told why...just something they did before surgery) anyway...I hadn't had any water...so my veins had shrunken down. they poked me several times...moving the needle in and out of the same hole...then telling me they would need to make another poke. finally after 6 or so tries they say "lets get sam in here" yes...so where was sam when all this started? this person walks right up and gets the IV in on the first try. next time I want them and only them.

apparently there's still time to kill...so this man sticks these little sticker things all over me...I guess once I'm out and surgery is over...he's going to stick needles in me and check to make sure I have reflexes or something. haha his one time is to do that after surgery...and he's only here today for my surgery...so he has been waiting with us as well.

7:30. we've been at the hospital for almost 10 hours. emotionally, I'm drained, physically, I'm drained. I just want this to be over...

next thing I know...I see Dr. yang talking to my mother. matt's holding my hand....feels good to have him there…once everyone was done talking without me they came over to tell me they think we should reschedule. yes...as in another day. the surgery they were in before was filled with complications and went way over its time...most people are off the clock now...so I wouldn't have everyone there if we went through with my surgery being today...and my doctors have been in the OR for so many hours that they look tired. I begged my parents...I told matt...I just want it done. I don't care if not everyone is there...if not everyone can help if my doctors are tired. I went through all this today ...all this waiting this past month. I want it to be over. I cried...boy did I ever cry. I told matt..."I just want it to be done"...I don't remember what he said...but in the end everyone talked me out of doing the surgery today.


I have to wait two days...and then I come in bright and early for my surgery. again.

its been a week or so since my appointment with the man who couldn't speak English. he's now sending me to ann arbor where I'll be seeing Dr. Lamarkae. (said la-mark-a). I guess he's even more of a specialist then the specialist I just went to see. when we get to the hospital the first thing I see is coffee. this isn't just any coffee but the worlds best coffee. we were running late for our appointment but I still had time to get coffee because we sat in the waiting room for what felt like a life time. you would think these people would hurry it up. I need to know what we're doing about this tumor inside me!

we finally are taken back to our room, where we sit waiting for the doctor. its then that it hits me. I'm really in an icky spot. there were kids and adults all over this particular section of the hospital with many health issues, and now I'm one of them. I have a tumor. do I even know what that actually is? or what could happen? no. I don't, but I do know that if its got me here, its probably not good.

Lamarkae finally comes into the room (and thank GOD he's American! I'll understand everything he says). as he starts explaining my situation I start to actually get a grasp of this tumor deal. he tells me there's a tumor coming off of a nerve in my spinal cord. the tumor isn't actually in my spinal cord, its coming out from it though. he tells me size, and then says its time for the bad news. I might have cancer. I instantly grabbed my hair...thinking "if I have cancer I'll lose my hair..." it sounds vain, but a woman's hair is part of what makes her feel lovely. I've never been a huge fan of my hair, but I don't want it to be gone. well I probably don't have cancer, because that doesn't happen to me it happens to other people...

well as if that wasn't a hard enough blow to the face, Dr. Lamarkae lets me know that we'll be having surgery. I looked at him, expecting him to just "JUST KIDDING!!" then we could all laugh and go home but he didn't. I guess he means it. okay well surgery can't be that bad. he tells me they'll do an open biopsy and if its not cancer then they'll take it out, if it is they'll close me up and treat me with chemo. for some reason none of this really bothers me yet. I'm not scared. I don't want to lose my hair but heck surgery can't be that bad and I'm sure even if I did have cancer I could always get a wig.

it was after that appointment that I had actually hard times. I wondered how many of my friends would still be around if I did have cancer, would they hang out with me as much? or would they be ashamed that I have no hair? what if I die? will matt still date me if he knows there's a chance I won't live very long? what would my funeral be like?

do I really have enough time now to be worrying about stupid things?

I have a tumor. okay. I need surgery. big deal. these are the cards I've been handed. I can handle this. me and God can handle this. I hope everyone else can handle this...

its not fair that these mri's and cat scans are always so early in the morning. I'm hardly awake enough to walk, and you want me to think about this mri? no thank you.

oh I have too? well if you insist.

so I get to the hospital where I have to change completely. like into a robe thing. these are uncomfortable to me, but they say no pants and I rather have the robe on the walk in there in my panties. this machine is similar to the cat scan, in a way that they both have a table you lay on. the big difference is the cat scan was open. meaning I wasn't surrounded by a tube. this mri, not open. I start to hyperventilate just look at the thing. the lady quickly covers my eyes with a wash cloth and has me lay down on the table. I felt better once my eyes were closed but I was still freaked out. I knew that I was surrounded...and when you're claustrophobic, that does nothing good for ya.



a man gives me head phones and put them on. next I hear a voice asking me what radio station I would like. oh I get music for this? wonderful. it'll help take my mind off the whole thing. classic rock please! 94.5 he then explains what's going to be happening, and how long this is going to take. I've not paid much attention this time either. I'm still a bit worked up over being in a tube.

then it starts. I feel nothing, I just hear this loud noise...really loud noise. aren't I suppose to have music? I start focusing really hard on the head phones trying to catch a note so I can start figuring out what song it is. once i know the song I can sing along to it! ....I hear guitar.... and....

"dead or alive"

NO! what a terrible song to play while I'm in the mri! I don't want anything that says dead or alive at the end of the chorus!!! I should have chosen K-love. then I could listen to cheesy worship music and feel much better.

finally the noise stops and they bring me out. I rip the wash cloth off ready to get out of there. the lady then picks up a needle. (why doesn't anyone tell me there's going to be a needle BEFORE I get in these stupid things. I don't want a shot!) I ask her if she's going to use that on me. I already know the answer but for some reason asking makes me feel like there's more of a chance that she might not. this lady wasn't nice at all. she snapped back that she was using it on me. she then grabbed my arm and just...put it in there! I had no warning, no prep talk, nothing. she just went ahead with the sticking at my arm! if you're going to poke me with a needle I at least expect you to be friendly.

then she tells me I'm going back in the mri for more pictures. grrrreeeeat. apparently the first batch didn't come out well. once the people finally finish poking me and taking pictures of my insides, they let me out of the room and I run off to change. running isn't an exaggeration. I wanted out of there!

after getting in the car I tell my mother I am very very very done and will never have another mri or cat scan for the rest of my life.